I feel hopeless when it comes to blogging, this blog in particular—I stare at my blank blog page night after night with a burning frustration. I don’t want this blog to become my personal vent station and I also don’t want it to be full of over philosophical essays about my deathless attachment to freedom and/or my quest to discover my place in this world. My soul desire when embarking upon this blogging chronicle was to tell the truth about my life as an au pair. However, this becomes problematic when the truth must address your apprehensions towards those people you come into daily contact with—and not just any people, but your employers. I have been grappling with this notion since the very beginning and now it is time to blog out my solution, from the heart, literally.
The challenge I have put forth in my personal life, which was sparked by my inadequacies in a past relationship, is that I need to be more open with my emotions. I need to say what I think, express how I feel and fight for my happiness. The idea behind this: it is our actions that bring people down, but our feelings, through clarity, help people coexist, if not thrive. Again, this was intended for my personal life—relationships, friendships and family.
But why stop there? Confrontational communication is my biggest weakness—I guess you could call me confrontationally adverse…or allergic. But there is a moment in life when you realize that speaking up may be the deliverance you’ve been searching for. Therefore, my new life’s mantra (cliché as candy in a candy store) is to wear my heart on my sleeve personally AND professionally.
I have realized of late that it is a lot better to get things out in the open than to let things build up. As obvious as this intuition may be to most of my readers, I have just recently come to terms with how emotionally closed off I really am. Just like everything else in my world, this communication culmination has been building. You see, I have spent most of my life keeping my emotions bottled up due to lack of ease when expressing them and/or assuming they could neither help nor hurt the situation—honestly, I think I’ve just always been afraid of what comes after you open your mouth. I was afraid to talk about my sadness when my mother died because I thought it would make me appear weak, I was afraid to ask for a promotion at work because I did not want to overstep my bounds, I was afraid to tell a roommate about borrowed financial concerns because I thought it would cause in-house friction and I was even afraid to tell an ex-fling how much I cared about him because I thought I would get rejected. Every single one of these situations ended up worse than they should have because instead of communicating how I felt, I waited for everything to explode (mild eating disorder, no promotion, temporary lapse in friendship with roommate correlated to her move and the loss of a guy I really cared about).
Enough is enough. I hereby declare that I will tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help the Lord of Nannies, but if it has anything to do with anger, resentment, apprehension, ambivalence, etc (feelings which have already occurred, been resolved and may have reoccurred), I must address it with my family immediately. I will speak up for myself, despite my fears.
I firmly believe this declaration shall set my blog free. I will no longer feel forced to sound fictitiously optimistic (because honestly, I cannot). I will no longer feel like I am personally venting behind anyone’s back and I will no longer feel stifled like I am continuously compromising my own needs to suit others. I am in a complete and utter state of intrigue of what clarity and/or closure will do to my heart and mind–what have I been missing out on?